Not All Who Wander Are Lost...

"Not all who wander are lost...", a phrase I first heard in 1999, shortly after beginning work with the United States Postal Service. A co-worker of mine had a sticker with this enigmatic phrase, gracing the bumper of his automobile. Kevin was gay and a former member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, forthwith referred to as the Mormon or L.D.S. Church. 

Kevin was born and raised in the church and, after years of struggling with his own personal identity, finally embraced who he truly is, after becoming an adult. He was the first gay individual that I ever became very good friends with, and he would often confide in me the many colorful stories of his life. Kevin had been around the block, as have most gay men I know. Whether they are acting out against the conservative, oppressive culture brought on by the population of Mormons in Utah, or whether it is just genetic predisposition, I have no clue, but the lion's share of gay men I know (most of whom were raised Mormon) were quite lascivious individuals. The stories that surround most of these individuals would be enough to shock Betty White. 

Kevin was an amazing soul. Kind, loving, humorous. As are most of the gay individuals I know. For any of you that aren't familiar with the L.D.S. culture, it is a rather conservative religion that was founded in 1830 by Joseph Smith, a resident of Upstate New York who claimed to have had a personal vision from God and Jesus Christ, at the tender age of 14, following personal confusion over which church was true. At that time, there was an influx of start-up religions that claimed that theirs was the way back to God, that their religion was the one that was going to "save" the souls of those that entered into their faith. Joseph Smith's claim was that God the Father and Jesus Christ told him that none of the religions on the earth (at that time) were true, that he was to join none of them, and that the truthfulness would be revealed to him at a later time. 

(For further exploration of the Joseph Smith story and the history of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, one can go to LDS.org to find a more detailed account of the organization of the church.)


Let me make this clear now: this story is NOT about Kevin and it's not necessarily about gay people, although they do play a small part in the story that is about to unfold. This is MY story... an account of my spiritual journey that began in the home of Calvin and Pauline Dahl, and has evolved to the present time, where I have the immense blessing of sharing my spiritual journey with my beloved wife, Joan.

Joan has an amazing story, herself... much more colorful than what you will find here... and gratefully one that will soon be shared in a similar format. Joan is my second wife, and the most amazing soul I have ever known. She is full of love, compassion and acceptance for anyone that crosses her path...unless it's someone who ignorantly cuts her off on a crowded freeway. Her story begins in a staunchly Catholic family, before finding her way through being an agnostic and full on atheist and ultimately ending up in a spiritual place very similar to mine. While I know that Joan and I are soulmates, I also know that when I first got married in 1990, she and I would have never been compatible...then. Now, there is not a soul on the face of the planet that is better matched for me.

* * *

I was born in 1967 and spent my formative years living in West Valley City, a city in the greater Salt Lake Valley. My early years were nothing uncommon. My parents were both loving individuals who did their best to raise their children right, while making sure that we had enough adventure in our lives to compensate for the wealth that we didn't have. We weren't poor, but we definitely grew up with a tight budget controlling what we did. To this day, I have an immense love and appreciation for both my parents and for all that they did for me and my siblings. We camped, we took vacations to places like Yellowstone and the California coast. 

Every Sunday, we would attend our local L.D.S. "ward", which is the name associated with the local Mormon congregations. Each ward is presided by a "bishop", who was simply a man that was called by "Stake" leaders (a "stake" being a group of usually 6 or 7 wards) and donates a large chunk of his time to administer and preside over the people in his ward, usually consisting of 300 or more individuals, not all active.

Mormon leaders on the local level do not receive any kind of financial compensation and donate their time to help and assist the members of their ward. The ward members, themselves, serve in any number of callings... typically in teaching positions (teaching small "primary" and "Sunday School" classes) as well as serving in auxiliary callings (Priesthood quorums for the men, Relief Society for the women).


Like most Mormon boys, I grew up going to Primary, Sunday School and Priesthood meetings. Like most Mormon boys, I served a 2 year "mission" in the New Mexico, Albuquerque mission that covered most of New Mexico, El Paso, Texas, as well as the San Luis Valley in southern Colorado. I devoted the entirety of those two years "serving the Lord", trying to find investigators of the church, teaching them a series of lessons, ultimately trying to baptize the investigator into church. 

Throughout my mission, not only was I trying to instill a "testimony" of the church into those that I met, but I was encouraged to work on making my personal testimony. I always felt like I had a testimony, because what I experienced seemed "right". It seemed like the true way back to God. We were taught the Ten Commandments. We were encouraged to serve others. We were given a list of rules that we were to adhere to, including abstaining from smoking, drinking alcohol, not engaging in premarital sex, and avoiding any temptations of the flesh. We were raised to feel that "tampering with the factory" (masturbation) was a bad thing and that we would rob ourselves of the Spirit, if we engaged in such "unnatural" activities. Simply put, like most organized religions, we were saddled with the dogma and guilt associated with organized religion. Truth be told, 

I tampered with my factory. I began doing it before I even knew what masturbation was. The sad reality is that I spent my teens feeling like I was broken, because I was the only pervert that was exploring my own body. It wasn't until my early 20's that I fully began to understand that it was normal... that most people did it at one time or another. I would beat myself up each week at church, feeling like I was the only one not worthy to engage in the sacred ordinances that went on during our weekly Sunday meeting. 

Looking back, I reflect on the "what if's".... like, what if I hadn't ever done it. Would I be the same person today? Would I be more repressed? Would I have eventually become a complete and utter slut? The reality is that we are who we are. Each of us has different urges and different behaviors. Some of us are attracted to the opposite sex... some the same sex. Whether it's the DNA with which we are made of, or circumstances that life threw at us (whether voluntary or involuntary), each of us is a different person. Uniquely different. And some of us are lucky enough to find that other person with whom we are most compatible. I am one of those lucky individuals.

As stated earlier, Joan and i are the perfect fit. We both have the same outlook on life. We both enjoy the same music, and share an equaled depth of passion for it. We are happy being with each other, regardless of what we are doing. We can be camping or simply sitting at home doing nothing. We can be at concerts... a big passion of both of us... or just sitting at home listening to records. We both tend to be a little bit "freaky", but not too freaky. Life is full of adventure in every way. 

As I reflect over the last 49 years of my life, I see a person that grew up curious, but too afraid to really venture past the boundaries that had been established by my parents. When I first got married, I had never tasted alcohol, I had never smoked, I had never taken illegal drugs, and I had never engaged in sexual intercourse. I was, in fact, a virgin. That doesn't say that I didn't explore a little bit when I was an adolescent. I was, after all, a young man that was overflowing with hormones and I didn't have THAT much willpower. 

At the time of my first marriage, I was within a couple years back from my church mission. I was settling into full time work, and I wanted to get married. I only knew my first wife three weeks before I proposed marriage. I didn't even really know her. I was naive enough to believe that, once engaged, the sporadic arguments we would occasionally have was the result of "the Adversary" ("can you sayyyyyy........ Satan?") working to split up what was to become an Eternal union. 

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, marriages are not just performed 'Til death do us part', but are 'sealings' for Time and all Eternity. That's a long time to commit yourself to someone who you have only known for a few weeks... but it was what I would do, in order to do it "the right way". 

That first marriage was a learning experience. It was a time for me to fully mature into adulthood, taking on the responsibility of raising three lovely girls, and a time to really explore who I am. I suppose the exploration really began after I separated from Tiffany, back in October of 2010. I didn't leave Tiffany because of a midlife crisis. I didn't leave her for anything that she necessarily did. I did, however, end up leaving her, because I knew that our souls would never be able to fully connect the way two souls SHOULD connect. Truth be told, as I look at most married couples around me, I don't see two souls that connect the way I do with Joan. I don't know if it is because of the drain that children can have on a loving relationship or whether or not Father Time takes his toll on a relationship that once seemed blissful.

Some marry for convenience,some marry because it was "arranged" for them, some marry for money, and some...most of us... marry because we are attracted to our partner in one way or another. It may be visual, physical, emotional, or, if we're lucky, a combination of all three elements. I'm lucky enough to be with someone that I share not only those three, but even more similarities. 

* * *

'Not all who wander are lost'.... a phrase by J.R.R. Tolkein... a phrase that sums up the life's journey of most mortals that call Earth home. My life is now one of exploration. I may occasionally do some of those things that I spent most of my life avoiding for spiritual reasons, and I don't regret it. I once heard the saying that, 'wherever you are on your spiritual journey, it's exactly where you are supposed to be'.... and I believe that. I feel that, whatever I may do, it is because I needed to experience it as part of my life's journey.

I may need that experience to place myself in a position where I won't judge my human brothers and sisters. I may need that experience so I can share compassion for others that may be going through experiences that I have. Heck, it may be something that I need to do just so I can enhance the joy that is made available to me in my life.

Each of us is the author of our own story. We were born into this world, raised by an older, more mature person (or, if we're fortunate, a pair of mature people) that has had a vast number of their own experiences, which they, in turn, use to help teach us. I suppose all that stands true if we are fortunate enough to have parents that actually DO teach us from their experience. Some of us are not that lucky. Some need to fend for themselves, in order to gain the amount of experience necessary to function in life. Some of those people end up being the most successful in life, because they had to do the work for themselves.

I look at Joan. Two people couldn't have come from two more different backgrounds than she and I, yet we ended up in a place in life where we couldn't be more compatible. Joan excels in all the right places, and I fill in the gaps where I can. It doesn't mean we're perfect... well... it doesn't mean I'M perfect, but I try to be the person she deserves to share her life with. 

My life is in this place...with this amazing soul (my wife)... with so much awaiting us. I'm forever grateful that I have someone with whom I see eye to eye. Going back to the opening lines about Kevin (and my other gay friends), I knew years ago that if there were ever going to be anything that would challenge my "testimony" of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, it would be about the way the church deals with the subject of homosexuality. I am appalled at the damage that not only my church, but churches across the world have dealt with that issue. I remind myself of the teachings of Christ, and never did I see anything condemning anyone because of a same gender attraction. I had rather loud arguments with Tiffany about the subject, Tiffany always stating "but Jesus would never make anyone that way". She wasn't offended by gay people, but simply offended by the notion that it may be normal.

Over the last few years, the LDS Church has meddled in local politics, especially those pertaining to gay marriage. It was amusing that Utah was one of the first states to legalize gay marriage, even with all the fighting going on behind the scenes. Truth be told, it was probably the Church's resistance that eventually led to the legalization in the state. The fight taken on AFTER the initial legalization was part of what led to the Supreme Court decision to legalize it nationwide. I've rarely felt more joy, while simultaneously feeling more disappointment for my church, which claims to be the church as established by Christ, Himself.

It was because of this, that I came up with the idea to explore many different religions, many different walks of life. Our explorations (Joan and I) are not limited to Christianity. It won't be limited to any specific theology. I simply want to take time to explore different ways to believe... and how those particular spiritual paths resonate with my Soul, as I navigate my OWN spiritual journey. The best part is that I have a partner who feels the same way. After all, if I can't do things with Joan, I don't really want to be bothered. That's how we roll.